Sugar Withdrawal

I started reading Anatomy of a Food Addiction by Anne Katherine. After answering "yes" to 12 of the 16 questions, I realized that my behavior toward food is not normal. I have known that to eat one tiny candy bar is impossible. More must follow. Until I feel that I might explode. The taste of the chocolate on my tongue does not satisfy - I must always have more until I've reached the point of feeling ill.

Anne recommends quitting sugar and alcohol altogether. Like a drill sergeant kind of strict. None. Fresh fruit will be the only source of sugar. No dried fruit, no juice, no, no, no. I mulled this over as I savored the last piece of homemade apple pie I had crafted this weekend.

I don't know if this is in keeping with what my inner child wants. She loves candy. But she was sneaky! She ate sugar to excess and tried to hide how much she had consumed. As if an empty cookie sheet and candy jar did not give her machinations away! Haha.

I do know that the cleaner I eat, the easier it is to avoid my trigger foods. I'm not against animal products (I LOVE cheese even more than mice! That would be more than mice love cheese, not more than I love mice...) but the more vegan my diet, the easier it is as well.

I started writing right now because I'm craving sweets. I'm feeling anxious, like I need to move around and I also need a distraction from my work. I wonder if a quick walk would do the trick? My inner child just said she wants to skip. Ok, fine! I'm off!

Shattering False Belief Patterns

I woke up several times in terror last night. What had me shaking with fear, my heart racing and my thoughts hurtling through my mind reinforcing every terrible notion I have about myself? I'm worrying about work as usual.

My sense of security is tightly wound up with the paycheck I receive for services rendered. I have a dread fear that they will discover (after 3 1/2 years!) that I really don't know what I'm doing.That some vital process has been destroyed and I will be banished from the office and shamed for my very existence.

Thank goodness for friends that offer guidance, albeit unorthodox. She told me that I wasn't a master of deceit and if I sucked at what I did, they would have figured it out by now. Well, way to crush that powerful view of myself! I guess that's the only thing I imagine that I do well - pretending to not be inadequate. I guess it stands to reason that if I suck at everything else, I wouldn't be able to do that either.

Well, that belief pattern crushed, I thought I'd move on to another issue I've been struggling with. I know a guy who I hate. How un-elightened and un-spiritual of me! The very sight and thought of him irks me and brings out yucky feelings galore. Well, let's think about this. Why does this unassuming, ordinary looking fellow make me feel so angry? Every interaction we have, he makes it clear that he loathes me. He's passive-aggressively insinuated that I'm utterly lacking in intelligence by stating that I should know how to do something based on having worked where I do for over a year. Never mind that I haven't been shown how to do said task.

Why do I care so much? We all want people to like us, but this is stronger than that. I work with other people that I don't want to hug and I'm fine with that. Thus, we've got a trigger issue here. Well, I'm pretty sensitive to having my intelligence questioned. In fact, it's the fastest way to tick me off. I'll lose control yelling at you for making me out to look dumb. Well, on closer examination, that means he ain't the problem at all. Looks like I'm just afraid he might be right.

This probably applies to just about any of our hot button issues. Once we identify what the problem is, then we can go to work reassuring ourselves that we are good enough, smart enough, etc. Now that I've started to let go my need for external approval, perhaps I won't cringe at the sight of him anymore.

Well, goodbye for now, I'm going to spend some time telling my inner child that everything she does is perfect and she has every tool she needs to do the task at hand. Internal approval rules! :)

What's Eating Who?

I have a food problem. What a sticky (like sugar?!) addiction to have, since food is necessary for life! I can't just quit it cold turkey like an alcoholic or a drug addict.

My thoughts are consumed (see what I did there?) with ideas about my next meal (fix, really!) I count minutes until it is acceptable lunch-time range. I have difficulty concentrating on anything other than that piece of chocolate that hollers my name so loudly and yet... only I can hear it! I bring a slice of apple pie for a co-worker and then, I eat his AND mine. Sorry. *hangs head in shame*

I have learned that eating high quality foods that I make myself helps. I have also learned that avoiding trigger foods like they are the scourge of the earth helps build up a tolerance to their tiny, shouting voices. Sometimes when I'm in the throes of craving potato chips or ice cream, I stop and ask myself why. It's usually because I'm anxious about something. I try to focus on the cause of that anxiety and relieve it in a healthy way, with positive self-talk or meditation. Sometimes it works! Sometimes it doesn't. :( Sometimes I just don't care and I eat until I can't anymore.

We are set up at birth. Yes! It is an elaborate set up! I protest. I come out crying and BAM! you shove milk in my face. *sigh* Then I wonder why I'm obsessed with all things dairy. Cookie Monster rants and raves about his sugar addiction; isn't he so cute?! Well, yes, he's cute, but how is that OK? Every time I did something well, I was rewarded with lollipops, pizza, ice cream cones, oh the devilry of it all. I reach for food and it makes me feel oh so good.

I remember when I was a kid and I was having too much fun to break for dinner. How do I strike a balance? Where I nourish myself when necessary but I don't obsess about food most of my waking hours? It all begins with awareness. The rest is a journey. Who's with me on this path? Shall we skip?

Character Traits

Recently I was asked to consider my five favorite historical figures. I hurriedly dashed down a few names but stopped at four. I already understood. What makes a person great, memorable, is the qualities that they have and I already saw the common threads.

My four are Louis Pasteur, Harriet Tubman, Elizabeth Blackwell and Martin Luther King Jr. What do I admire about each of these individuals? Each of them evidenced courage beyond what an ordinary human is ever expected to have. Each of them were faced with a task that others had deemed impossible. They made a way where there was no way.


Louis Pasteur believed that he could find cures for incurable illnesses. He blazed trails and discovered things that were never before known. He showed courage, determination, and used intelligence to solve mysteries that baffled all of mankind. He was relentless in pursuit of his passion.

Harriet Tubman escaped to the North and became a free woman. Was that enough for her? No, she felt passionately that other slaves deserved to experience this and she risked her life over and over. Her courage and determination when she would have been tortured and killed if found, is awe inspiring. Her passion for what she knew was right coupled with the intelligence to make a way where there was no way made the impossible, reality.

Elizabeth Blackwell wanted to be a doctor. Women were expressly forbidden to enter this field at that time. Did she let that stop her? No sir! She had the courage to pursue a dream that she was passionate about. She endured ridicule and shame but would not give up. She evidenced the intelligence necessary to grasp the material and pass the exams despite the harassment she endured. She holds the honor of being called the first female doctor.

Martin Luther King Jr wasn't satisfied with second class citizen status. He stared in the eyes of the devil and calmly demanded what he felt was right. His courage, his eloquence and his single-minded determination to the cause of equality led to a powerful movement that changed the face of the United States.

What do these men and women have in common? All four have the character traits courage, determination, intelligence and passion. Courage is the ability to embrace your fear. Determination is the will to keep going when you and everyone around you is certain that you've hit a dead end. Intelligence is often misunderstood. Everyone is given the intelligence to fulfill their purpose. Getting As in school isn't how you succeed at the game of life. Finally, passion. In order to channel courage, determination and intelligence into your purpose, you have to be passionate about it. You can read my earlier blog about finding your passion http://childsplaydate.blogspot.com/2011/11/limiting-beliefs.html if you're too stuck in fear to know what it is. I sure was!

Who are your favorite historical figures? What do you admire about them and how can you strive to have those same character traits? Leave me a comment - love to hear what inspires you!

Dreams

What keeps you from following your dreams? What do you need to feel passionate about what you do?
Once upon a time I dreamed of having a job where I did accounting. I imagined being a QuickBooks expert and running an office. Four years ago, a very emotionally painful experience caused me to enter therapy and begin the work that I needed to fulfill that dream. Within 6 months, I was living that dream. I saw a huge increase in my standard of living and felt satisfied beyond my wildest imaginings. Cut to present and I'm feeling completely unfulfilled and wishing for more. What changed?

Why am I no longer satisfied?

I am experiencing fear. I feel like I'm not good enough for anything more and in fact, I've convinced myself that I'm a fraud for thinking I can have the position I hold, even though I perform well. I'm fearful to step out into new territory and to pursue a new dream because I worry about financial security and failure.

I feel devalued. When I transferred to Los Angeles from Rhode Island, I was unaware of the new expectations that would be associated with my job. In addition to my role handling accounting and business office matters, I was expected to act as receptionist which was incredibly time consuming and kept me from fulfilling my other duties to my normal high standards. I became increasingly frustrated and felt that my work was not valued and had to walk a tight rope over the abyss of not meeting the expectations of my boss in Providence and the expectations of my boss in LA. I became master of doing just enough to keep both parties from being unhappy with my job performance, all the while feeling like a total failure.

I'm bored. I do the same tasks day in and day out. I know how to do them in my sleep. I crave adventure and excitement.

From this careful examination, I've learned that in order to feel passion for what I do, whether it be what I'm working on presently or chasing a dream, I have to have three things.
First, I need to banish fear - believing fully and completely that my heart is guiding me in the right direction and that I have the skills I need to perform the tasks at hand. Second, I need to feel valued. I can't count on someone else to provide me with that sense of value. It's up to me to recognize that if I'm choosing to do something right now, it is the right thing and therefore, it has value. Third, I need to be challenged. Can I learn something new in my job? Absolutely! So why do I languish in boredom?

This triad keeps me doing the same thing day after day and feeling like I'm dead inside. Despairing that I'll never fulfill my hopes and dreams.

I'm making a commitment to combat what keeps me from feeling passion. I will experience the sheer joy of a child. The energy that keeps a child in motion from the time their eyes pop open until the time they close.  Why is a child so full of excitement and boundless energy? Because they are fearless, because they have no worries that what they do isn't of value and they have so much to discover. A world of wonder. We live in it and there is still so much more to be discovered! What can we do today to tempt our inner child to play?

Limiting Beliefs

A limiting belief is something that keeps you from pursuing that passion that makes your eyes light up like a little kid. What did you always dream of doing as a child? What do you dream of doing now that you don't because it just isn't practical? Maybe you are like me and don't even know anymore because you've been so stifled by your beliefs. As a child I had two dreams: to teach and to write. I let both die because I was told over and over again that what I wanted had to step aside to make way for survival. I was also repeatedly shut down as a child. My opinions and thoughts never mattered. Naturally our dreams die this way. But now I recognize that I have a choice. It is up to me if I let my dreams remain dead or if I take back my power and resuscitate them. The first step is to identify that passion. In my case, let's consider writing. What limiting beliefs do I have about pursuing writing as a career?

I fear that I am not good enough.
I fear that I'm not original enough.
I fear that I need a college education.
I fear that it will take too much time.
I fear that I won't make any money. 
I fear that people won't like what I write.
I fear that people will judge me.
I fear that I'll be poor.
I fear that I'll be lonely.
I fear that I won't be inspired.
I fear that I will be depressed.
I fear that I won't be motivated.
I fear that I won't be safe.

That's a lot of fear! No wonder I let my passion die. Am I tired enough of these limiting beliefs to make a change? Am I tired enough of stifling my creative drive? Am I tired enough of feeling partially dead inside?
I have a passionate child inside of me quietly begging to be heard. Will I let her speak? How do I do this? What steps do I take now that I know my limiting beliefs that keep me from pursuing my passion? I reframe these beliefs.

I am good enough.
I am original enough.
I am educated enough.
I have time enough.
I will succeed and prosper.
People will like my work.
People will respect me.
I will be financially secure.
I will be surrounded by loving friends.
I will be inspired.
I will be fulfilled and happy.
I will be passionate.
I will be safe.

What is your passion? Is your inner child kicking and screaming or just moaning in despair? How much have you stifled your desires? What did you dream of as a child? What would you do if you could let go of all your limiting beliefs? Make your own list! Then reframe it and get started facing those fears. Take that first step toward pursuing your passion. I refuse to live on in the shackles of my limiting beliefs.

Thanksgiving

It's the eve of Thanksgiving and one might be feeling delight at the prospect of spending time with friends and family celebrating all the things for which we are thankful. We do this by spending time with loved ones, hacking up a turkey and eating more than one human ever should in one day! I love this holiday!

What happens to many of us when we are with family though? Is it simple? Can we just relax and enjoy the company of our loved ones or is it really (secretly) stressful? For many of us, the expectations of family can be overwhelming. At what point do our needs matter? Can we comfortably tell mom that what she wants won't work this year without worrying that she'll lose control? If she loses control, it's your fault, right?
Is it safe to be around your grandfather? Will he inappropriately try to massage your shoulders and will you feel confident enough to tell him to stop? Will your aunt make snide comments about your body and whether or not it is too thin or too heavy? Will you be able to let her know that her comments are not welcome?

Boundaries. What are they? Such a nebulous idea. They change from person to person so how can one know? A good tool for learning where your boundaries are is to be self aware. If you start to feel sad or angry, your boundaries may have been crossed. If you feel uncomfortable, stop what you are doing and notice. Every time you let someone cross a boundary and stifle the associated feelings, you hurt yourself just a little more. You deny who you are and your own needs. This is more damaging than we ever imagine.

It is time for us to take control of our lives. No one is allowed to speak to us in a way that we don't sanction. No one is allowed to touch us without our permission. No one is allowed to guilt or shame us into behaving the way that they want. Guilt is a tool of emotional manipulation. And is it ever effective! Learn to reject guilt. Learn to reject shame. You are an individual and entitled to your thoughts, feelings and opinions and you don't even have to explain them to anyone! Ever! You owe no one an explanation as to when you are getting married or when you are having children. You owe no one an explanation as to why your boundaries change from person to person.

As much as I advocate returning to childhood, being an adult carries the freedom of being able to say NO as much as and whenever you want. I say NO with reckless abandon to everyone else and YES to my inner desire to play. What will your inner child ask for that you will say yes to today?