I woke up several times in terror last night. What had me shaking with fear, my heart racing and my thoughts hurtling through my mind reinforcing every terrible notion I have about myself? I'm worrying about work as usual.
My sense of security is tightly wound up with the paycheck I receive for services rendered. I have a dread fear that they will discover (after 3 1/2 years!) that I really don't know what I'm doing.That some vital process has been destroyed and I will be banished from the office and shamed for my very existence.
Thank goodness for friends that offer guidance, albeit unorthodox. She told me that I wasn't a master of deceit and if I sucked at what I did, they would have figured it out by now. Well, way to crush that powerful view of myself! I guess that's the only thing I imagine that I do well - pretending to not be inadequate. I guess it stands to reason that if I suck at everything else, I wouldn't be able to do that either.
Well, that belief pattern crushed, I thought I'd move on to another issue I've been struggling with. I know a guy who I hate. How un-elightened and un-spiritual of me! The very sight and thought of him irks me and brings out yucky feelings galore. Well, let's think about this. Why does this unassuming, ordinary looking fellow make me feel so angry? Every interaction we have, he makes it clear that he loathes me. He's passive-aggressively insinuated that I'm utterly lacking in intelligence by stating that I should know how to do something based on having worked where I do for over a year. Never mind that I haven't been shown how to do said task.
Why do I care so much? We all want people to like us, but this is stronger than that. I work with other people that I don't want to hug and I'm fine with that. Thus, we've got a trigger issue here. Well, I'm pretty sensitive to having my intelligence questioned. In fact, it's the fastest way to tick me off. I'll lose control yelling at you for making me out to look dumb. Well, on closer examination, that means he ain't the problem at all. Looks like I'm just afraid he might be right.
This probably applies to just about any of our hot button issues. Once we identify what the problem is, then we can go to work reassuring ourselves that we are good enough, smart enough, etc. Now that I've started to let go my need for external approval, perhaps I won't cringe at the sight of him anymore.
Well, goodbye for now, I'm going to spend some time telling my inner child that everything she does is perfect and she has every tool she needs to do the task at hand. Internal approval rules! :)
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