Dreams

What keeps you from following your dreams? What do you need to feel passionate about what you do?
Once upon a time I dreamed of having a job where I did accounting. I imagined being a QuickBooks expert and running an office. Four years ago, a very emotionally painful experience caused me to enter therapy and begin the work that I needed to fulfill that dream. Within 6 months, I was living that dream. I saw a huge increase in my standard of living and felt satisfied beyond my wildest imaginings. Cut to present and I'm feeling completely unfulfilled and wishing for more. What changed?

Why am I no longer satisfied?

I am experiencing fear. I feel like I'm not good enough for anything more and in fact, I've convinced myself that I'm a fraud for thinking I can have the position I hold, even though I perform well. I'm fearful to step out into new territory and to pursue a new dream because I worry about financial security and failure.

I feel devalued. When I transferred to Los Angeles from Rhode Island, I was unaware of the new expectations that would be associated with my job. In addition to my role handling accounting and business office matters, I was expected to act as receptionist which was incredibly time consuming and kept me from fulfilling my other duties to my normal high standards. I became increasingly frustrated and felt that my work was not valued and had to walk a tight rope over the abyss of not meeting the expectations of my boss in Providence and the expectations of my boss in LA. I became master of doing just enough to keep both parties from being unhappy with my job performance, all the while feeling like a total failure.

I'm bored. I do the same tasks day in and day out. I know how to do them in my sleep. I crave adventure and excitement.

From this careful examination, I've learned that in order to feel passion for what I do, whether it be what I'm working on presently or chasing a dream, I have to have three things.
First, I need to banish fear - believing fully and completely that my heart is guiding me in the right direction and that I have the skills I need to perform the tasks at hand. Second, I need to feel valued. I can't count on someone else to provide me with that sense of value. It's up to me to recognize that if I'm choosing to do something right now, it is the right thing and therefore, it has value. Third, I need to be challenged. Can I learn something new in my job? Absolutely! So why do I languish in boredom?

This triad keeps me doing the same thing day after day and feeling like I'm dead inside. Despairing that I'll never fulfill my hopes and dreams.

I'm making a commitment to combat what keeps me from feeling passion. I will experience the sheer joy of a child. The energy that keeps a child in motion from the time their eyes pop open until the time they close.  Why is a child so full of excitement and boundless energy? Because they are fearless, because they have no worries that what they do isn't of value and they have so much to discover. A world of wonder. We live in it and there is still so much more to be discovered! What can we do today to tempt our inner child to play?

Limiting Beliefs

A limiting belief is something that keeps you from pursuing that passion that makes your eyes light up like a little kid. What did you always dream of doing as a child? What do you dream of doing now that you don't because it just isn't practical? Maybe you are like me and don't even know anymore because you've been so stifled by your beliefs. As a child I had two dreams: to teach and to write. I let both die because I was told over and over again that what I wanted had to step aside to make way for survival. I was also repeatedly shut down as a child. My opinions and thoughts never mattered. Naturally our dreams die this way. But now I recognize that I have a choice. It is up to me if I let my dreams remain dead or if I take back my power and resuscitate them. The first step is to identify that passion. In my case, let's consider writing. What limiting beliefs do I have about pursuing writing as a career?

I fear that I am not good enough.
I fear that I'm not original enough.
I fear that I need a college education.
I fear that it will take too much time.
I fear that I won't make any money. 
I fear that people won't like what I write.
I fear that people will judge me.
I fear that I'll be poor.
I fear that I'll be lonely.
I fear that I won't be inspired.
I fear that I will be depressed.
I fear that I won't be motivated.
I fear that I won't be safe.

That's a lot of fear! No wonder I let my passion die. Am I tired enough of these limiting beliefs to make a change? Am I tired enough of stifling my creative drive? Am I tired enough of feeling partially dead inside?
I have a passionate child inside of me quietly begging to be heard. Will I let her speak? How do I do this? What steps do I take now that I know my limiting beliefs that keep me from pursuing my passion? I reframe these beliefs.

I am good enough.
I am original enough.
I am educated enough.
I have time enough.
I will succeed and prosper.
People will like my work.
People will respect me.
I will be financially secure.
I will be surrounded by loving friends.
I will be inspired.
I will be fulfilled and happy.
I will be passionate.
I will be safe.

What is your passion? Is your inner child kicking and screaming or just moaning in despair? How much have you stifled your desires? What did you dream of as a child? What would you do if you could let go of all your limiting beliefs? Make your own list! Then reframe it and get started facing those fears. Take that first step toward pursuing your passion. I refuse to live on in the shackles of my limiting beliefs.

Thanksgiving

It's the eve of Thanksgiving and one might be feeling delight at the prospect of spending time with friends and family celebrating all the things for which we are thankful. We do this by spending time with loved ones, hacking up a turkey and eating more than one human ever should in one day! I love this holiday!

What happens to many of us when we are with family though? Is it simple? Can we just relax and enjoy the company of our loved ones or is it really (secretly) stressful? For many of us, the expectations of family can be overwhelming. At what point do our needs matter? Can we comfortably tell mom that what she wants won't work this year without worrying that she'll lose control? If she loses control, it's your fault, right?
Is it safe to be around your grandfather? Will he inappropriately try to massage your shoulders and will you feel confident enough to tell him to stop? Will your aunt make snide comments about your body and whether or not it is too thin or too heavy? Will you be able to let her know that her comments are not welcome?

Boundaries. What are they? Such a nebulous idea. They change from person to person so how can one know? A good tool for learning where your boundaries are is to be self aware. If you start to feel sad or angry, your boundaries may have been crossed. If you feel uncomfortable, stop what you are doing and notice. Every time you let someone cross a boundary and stifle the associated feelings, you hurt yourself just a little more. You deny who you are and your own needs. This is more damaging than we ever imagine.

It is time for us to take control of our lives. No one is allowed to speak to us in a way that we don't sanction. No one is allowed to touch us without our permission. No one is allowed to guilt or shame us into behaving the way that they want. Guilt is a tool of emotional manipulation. And is it ever effective! Learn to reject guilt. Learn to reject shame. You are an individual and entitled to your thoughts, feelings and opinions and you don't even have to explain them to anyone! Ever! You owe no one an explanation as to when you are getting married or when you are having children. You owe no one an explanation as to why your boundaries change from person to person.

As much as I advocate returning to childhood, being an adult carries the freedom of being able to say NO as much as and whenever you want. I say NO with reckless abandon to everyone else and YES to my inner desire to play. What will your inner child ask for that you will say yes to today?

Selfish? Or Self-Care?

I've learned that the most important job I have in life is to care for myself. To many that sounds incredibly selfish. I have to do this or so and so's feelings will be hurt. I have to do that because so and so might get upset and not like me anymore. I have to do yet another thing because so and so can't do it for themselves. I learned this lesson the really, really hard way. By trying to fix so many different people - men who have lost fathers at a young age, men physically abused by their parents, alcoholic/drug addicts, single moms - both my age and my mom's age, children abandoned by their mothers, the list goes on and on and on. I imagined myself to be an angel, sent here to save people from their misery. Instead, I never saved anyone and I just fell deeper and deeper into confusion and depression.

I don't advocate trampling on another person's feelings or boundaries with reckless abandon. That IS selfish. And sometimes, yes, your own feelings must be set aside, such as to tend to a friend who is sad over the breakup of her long term relationship.

Nonetheless, you come first. Always. Knowing and respecting your own boundaries. Taking time to care for yourself. Let others know what you need and what you are and are not able to do to help them. Be gentle. Be kind. But be firm and don't spend too much time worrying about how you think they feel as a result.

I look at taking responsibility for someone else's feelings and actions like this.
1. It's not your job.
2. It is almost arrogant to think that you can live their life better than they can or that you can fix them.
3. It keeps you distracted from looking at and fixing your own life.

In fact, taking care of somebody else is a wonderful coping mechanism that allows you to never once take a look internally and see what needs to be done for you.

What you feel is your responsibility and what someone else feels is their responsibility. Stop blurring the lines and own what is yours. Leave the rest behind.

Don't forget to nourish your soul with play! Tag! You're it!

Remember When...

Remember when you were a child? Way, way back, then, yeah. No, wait, just a little further. Yes, there we are. When life was all about playing. "Go outside and play!" and you were off, without a glance over your shoulder or moment of thought to what you might need. Back then jumping off the porch was great fun. So was kickball, hopping on your bike, hopscotch or hide and seek. Indoors was OK too.There were coloring books, dress up, building villages out of legos and on and on. I don't recall ever being bored when I had my imagination in tow.

Then, I grew up. Life got complicated! Worrying about working and paying bills and feeding myself and driving and the ever present concern of not embarrassing myself. What will they think if I...? Fun had boundaries,carefully constructed boundaries. Hiking, dancing, dinner, drinking, these were acceptable ways to have fun with friends but so much was lost.

I'm on a mission to recapture the joy of my childhood. With the added bonus of being an adult, so no one can tell me to take it outside, quiet down or stop hitting my brother! Well, maybe I won't hit my brother. :-/

This week, I've started scheduling play dates - with myself and with friends. Sunday morning I went to the beach and played in the ocean. Friday evening I am having a slumber party, complete with stuffed animals and PJs. And no one to tell me I've had too much ice cream! I'm getting back into finger painting, crochet and throwing in spontaneous dance breaks for good measure.

The biggest obstacle I have found lies in my inner critic. She tells me I'm not doing it right - that someone else can be more skillful in their creativity and thus, I shouldn't try. I'm not listening. I drown her out by singing at the top of my lungs.

What will you do today to satisfy your inner child? Duck, duck, GOOSE!